Quick Take: 5 Things I Learned on my Healing Journey
Brianna Valenzuela, RSW MSW
Like most other people entering into healing, I assumed it was a process that was going to be quick if I managed to get it just right. That is, if I showed up, participated, and did the work. I believed being in this profession gave me a lot of insight into where those hurts were hiding and so I’d just show up on a couch somewhere with my laundry list of triggers and broken bits, make the connections, and my therapist would tell me what I needed to do. That joke was on me.
Here are five powerful lessons I’ve learned so far:
Healing isn’t linear
Boundaries don’t make me a b!tch, selfish, or rude
Your body remembers what your mind forgot
Not everyone will come with you
Inner child work is powerful.
Let me Clarify
Healing isn’t linear - The process of restoring health (and therefore, not a destination). I used to define my progess throughout my journey on, 1) the length of time I had been in therapy, 2) how ‘good’ I was regularly feeling, 3) the number of self-help books I read, 4) how much time I was spending by myself, 5) the decreased frequency of crying, and 6) the increased frequency of speaking my truth. But then, a familiar trigger would send me spiraling, and I’d think, “Great, now I have to start all over, obviously what I’m doing isn’t helping.” The truth? Healing isn’t a checklist. We revisit the same wounds, just with new awareness. It is impossible to undo all your learning and take away the investment you’ve made on yourself throughout your healing. These old wounds show up in different seasons and sometimes in sneaky ways, to remind of us of the growth we’ve had. Healing is a journey that is intentional and unmarked by a single event. It is the choice to repair our wounds, not to be put back together the same way we started, but to be mended with a new awareness of what lies beneath our surface.
Boundaries don’t make me a b!tch, selfish, or rude. Yes, I’ve been called worse for attempting to set a boundary. The thing is, those that find your boundary setting offensive are people that tend to reap benefits from having unlimited access to you. Relationships built on accessibility to you and your support are not sustainable. Boundaries are an attempt for me to communicate with someone that I care enough about our relationship to have the uncomforatble and necessary conversation about what I need to ensure a sustainable connection. Boundaries are not walls—they’re bridges. They honor me and the relationship.
Your Body Remembers What Your Mind Forgot. The first two years following my separation, I was reminded, not cognitively, but somatically, that deep trauma existed during certain parts of the year, in certain places, and around familiar behaviour. These bodily responses - tightness in my chest, frequent spontaneous crying, moodiness, fatigue, tension in my shoulders - were my body’s way of saying, “Pay attention!” Even as a trauma informed therapist, I found myself sitting on the couch at my personal therapy appointment asking Maria, “is this what we mean by trauma being stored in our bodies!?” It served as a reminder of the connection that exists between our minds and our bodies.
Not everyone will come with you. Ouf. As a therapist, this is like the fine print I give clients whenever they tell me they’re coming to therapy to heal themselves, especially when they come in with the hope to show up more effectively in their relationships. Sometimes in the process of healing yourself, the people around that aren’t moving forward end up no longer aligning with you. Some relationships don’t survive the version of me that stopped overgiving or people-pleasing. Letting go can be painful—but holding onto misaligned connections could be even more damaging.
Inner Child Work is powerful. I thought it sounded cheesy, too, but talking to the parts of me that felt neglected or unseen unlocked a deep well of self-compassion. I stopped trying to ‘fix’ the parts of myself that I learned to believe were broken or defected and started listening instead.
Take Aways
Healing isn’t always pretty. It’s not Instagram-worthy all the time. But it’s real. It’s brave. And it’s worth it.
If you’re on your own journey, I hope these lessons remind you that you’re not alone—and that healing doesn’t have to look perfect to be powerful.
I’ll let you Sit with this.
Is your healing journey being derailed by any of these false beliefs?
Feel free to share by emailing me—I’d love to sit with that with you, too.
“Healing may not be so much about getting better, as about letting go of everything that isn’t you—all of the expectations, all of the beliefs—and becoming who you are.”
