Quick Take: Kindness vs. People-Pleasing
This might be hard to hear, but as always, I’m coming from a deeply compassionate place. People pleasing is not done with authenticity. When we engage in people pleasing behaviours, we are doing so out of a survival instinct that was wired early on to keep our relationships secure and predictable. In this way, pleasing people is quite ego-driven (although not in the sense of narcissism or arrogance). It is an act that is done transactionally, others-focused on the outside, but self-focused underneath. I will show up in helpful ways for you, as long as you do not reject, abandon, or see me as a bad person.
People pleasing patterns are motivated by control–although this is typically not something we are consciously aware of. We seek to control:
How others perceive us
Potential conflict or discomfort
Other people’s emotions and behaviours
The adult script: “I’m not a people pleaser, I’m just a kind, helpful, empathetic person.”
It was a lie I told myself for most of my adulthood. I would go out of my way to help others, at the cost of burning myself out. I was rearranging my schedule, exhausting myself when I needed rest, and saying yes to things I didn’t want to do. Then… I would become frustrated that other people weren’t noticing all that I was doing for them, and no one seemed to care the toll it was taking for me to keep showing up in this way. I began blaming others for my continued choice of putting others first, insinuating that they somehow “made me” listen to them word vommit about their life problems or they inconvenienced me when I was the one that agreed to the favor. I had this belief that I had control over other people’s perceptions, emotions, and behaviours; therefore, other people were responsible for mine.
A common question I receive in therapy sessions when exploring people pleasing behaviours is, “How do I know when I am being helpful because that’s who I am and what I value versus when I am doing it as a survival strategy?” The key difference is intent and cost.
Kindness honors both you and the other person. It is rooted in authenticity and connection. You give because you want to while maintaining respect for your own needs. The process of kindness and giving is intended to feel like a choice.
People-pleasing trades your well-being for approval or safety. It is rooted in fear and attachment. It’s not about helping others out of generosity. It’s about protecting ourselves from discomfort—whether that’s someone’s disappointment, anger, or rejection. This doesn’t make you manipulative. It means you learned, probably early on, that your worth was tied to how well you met others’ needs. The process of people pleasing feels more like an obligation or forced decision. Consider this example:
Your friend asks you to help her move this weekend.
Kindness sounds like:
“Yes! I’m free and I’d love to help. Let me know what time you need me.”
(You want to be there, and it fits your capacity.)People-Pleasing sounds like:
“Sure, I’ll be there.”
(Even though you're exhausted, overwhelmed, and canceling plans you needed.)
Take Aways
People-pleasing isn’t always about generosity—it’s often about control, identity, and fear.
Healing doesn’t mean you stop being kind. It means you stop outsourcing your worth to other people’s reactions.
I’ll let your Sit with This
Am I being kind, or trying to avoid disapproval?
Feel free to share in the comments—I’d love to sit with that with you
