Real Talk: The Onus of Boundaries is on Us

If I had a nickel for every time a client has said to me, “I’ve tried setting boundaries, my partner/friend/mom never respects them. They don’t work with said person.”

Respectfully, and, as always, with so much compassion, this is a lie we tell ourselves as a scapegoat out of responsibility and uncomfortable feelings.

Boundary setting is hard work. It requires us to identify our needs, challenge beliefs that tell us boundaries are selfish or mean, express those needs, set consequences if our needs go unment, and then follow-through with those consequences—all while tolerating the extreme discomfort associated with this process.

Setting a boundary is not making a request. It is setting a rule with yourself or with someone else that communicates what you will do if the rule is not respected.

To some people, this sounds an awful lot like an ultimatum. To clarify the difference, an ultimatum is about trying to control the other person’s behaviour; following through with a boundary consequence is about controlling and protecting oneself.

I’ll let you Sit with This

Is there a relationship in your life right now that feels draining? Are you second-guessing your own feelings or decisions?

Feel free to share in the comments—I’d love to sit with that with you