Deep Dive: Needing, fearing, and healing through Connection
Brianna Valenzuela, RSW MSW
There’s something quiet and sacred about the moments we truly feel seen as individuals. .
Not just heard or noticed—but really felt.
I’ve sat in rooms of strangers hearing the powerful message that is translated louder through silence than words could ever say, “you are not alone in your pain.” It’s the idiosyncrasies of humanity that communicate to others that although your experience is unique, your pain is not. And this may come across as invalidating, so let me explain. I too have felt deep shame, grief, anger, anxiety, heartbreak and although the story that brought me to feel those things may be different than yours, these shared emotional experiences give us a space to connect.
For the Deeply Curious
Historically, we built social networks to navigate environmental challenges and somewhere along the way these social behaviours became hardwired into our DNA for survival—the term ‘survival of the fittest’ doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be the strongest human. According to the theory of Darwin, a reproductive success is a human that possesses the traits needed to survive the challenges of their environment.
Our ancestors understood social behaviours as a trait for survival. We can see this throughout history, all over the world, the different ways communities and cultures used storytelling to serve as a vital form of communication, education, and social cohesion.
Interestingly, a study conducted by neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman used MRI scans to identify the areas that lit up in response to psychical and social pain. The findings suggest that our brains experience physical pain (such as breaking your leg) and social pain (such as being rejected) in very similar ways. Why is this so significant? It means that our brains are created in such a way that social behaviour can harm us, and therefore, can have a notable impact on our well-being.
The conclusion, connection is a tool for survival—we need it and we are hardwired for it, we just need to stop fighting the DNA that is screaming at us to find and use connection.
Welcome to Let’s Sit with That.
This space was born from the belief that embracing our stories—especially the messy, raw, and unfinished ones—can be healing. Not because we have answers, but because we’re willing to stay with the questions.
This blog is for the overthinkers, the deep feelers, and the ones who are learning they may need to slow down. It’s for the curious; those who crave the understanding of why things might feel out of balance or who may want to know more about how our relationships shape us, how boundaries can free us, and how vulnerability leads us to connection.
We’ll sit with what it means to simultaneously long for connection, to fear it, and to heal in it. We will explore topics that feel impossible, like how am I supposed to teach my children how to regulate if I’ve never taken the time to stop and ‘smell the flowers and blow out the candles?’ Or things that feel conflicting, how do I set boundaries with people I’m craving closeness from? Or even those topics that feel too scary to say out loud, “I’m not being honest with myself about what I need or want.”
Hi, I’m Brianna (not Bri or “Bre-Anna”, but “Bri-ON-Ah”).
A space holder, chaos coordinator, proud owner of a neurodivergent brain, millenial, generational cycle breaker, woman, community builder, and above all, a fellow human.
Put a different way, at home I am a partner in life with a handsome tattooed Chef and a mom of four beans aged not born to 11. At work I am a registered social worker, clinical therapist, and group therapy facilitator. And inside my own humanity, I am a woman diagnosed with ADHD working towards breaking generational trauma while balancing my own inner chaos, creativity, and self-care!
I believe in our need for connection so fiercely that I dedicated my career to bringing people together, creating spaces for others to practice being vulnerable and hoping they may see themselves in others, giving them permission to show up authentically.
As we delve deeper into the topics I will explore in this blog, you will learn more about my own story and the ways in which I bring myself to the work that I do. Nothing that I teach to clients, or will suggest to you here, are things that I don’t practice or believe in whole-heartedly.
I hope this space brings you through a journey from self-loss to Self discovery and authenticity. I’m so glad you’re here!
Story Time
Allow me to embrace my humanity for a moment as I share a story with you that requires me to become vulnerable about a time in my life when I was deeply struggling. This particular season of my life opened my eyes to the way in which connections, not just with others, but also yourself, can impact everything.
Rewind to May 2021, I gave birth to my third baby - Rayah Lynn. I always believed I was a die-hard boy mom, turns out the universe had other plans! When she found herself earthside, my then husband and I were coming up on our 5th year of marriage. Our marriage was in a hard place and I quickly found myself in emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual survival mode for the next 12 months. I would plead with myself to look at the beautiful little girl we created and imagine her being in a marriage like this one; is this what I wanted to teach her love looked like?
I realized in those moments of desperation, these are the connections that were being created and this is how generational cycles are fed and sustained. Not only Rayah Lynn, but my boys too, were going to grow up having this as their model for what love, marriage, and connection look like. It was the narrative I learned as a young girl, the one my mom learned before me, and her mom before her. I became painfully aware that this cycle was going to continue as long as I allowed it. I would look at my baby girl, see myself, and imagine the patterns she would fall into trying to find her worth in unsustainable connections. I saw myself in my mother and realized that I was worth the painful decisions that needed to be made. Acknowledging this opened up a world where I aligned my worth with my connections to others and my life completely changed because of it.
I flipped the switch of survival mode to healing and became the mother, the woman, the partner, and the human I knew I was but that I hid behind people pleasing and reassurance. My connections changed because I allowed myself to be truly and authentically seen for who I was, not for who I wanted others to perceive me to be. I show up with my humanity and although not always easy, it allows me to trust that my connections are built on a foundation of authenticity.
Take Aways
We are biologically hardwired for connection
Being human is complicated
Being vulnerable is hard but necessary for connection
Pretending to be something I’m not is unsustainable and unfair to my Self and my relationships
Storytelling is a critical tool that we have learned to steer away from to avoid social pain
I’ll let you sit with this.
When was the last time that you felt truly connected as your authentic Self— with yourself, the world (God, Earth, Universe), or someone else?
Feel free to share by emailing me—I’d love to sit with that with you, too.
““In order for connection to happen, we have to allow ourselves to be seen, really seen.”
