Deep Dive: Defining Boundaries

Let’s start with the truth
Most of us were never taught how to set boundaries — especially if we were raised in environments where our needs came second, emotions weren’t safe, or love felt conditional.

Trying to hold boundaries as a small person can seem near to impossible. Boundaries from children, adolescents, and even young adults are often perceived as disrespectful. Imagine a young person trying to communicate to an adult the following boundaries and the reaction these statements would have received when you were a child:

“I don’t want to hug this person.”

“Stop yelling at me.”

“Don’t hit me.”

“I don’t want to give you my pay check money.”

As a young person it is difficult to uphold boundaries because we have much less autonomy to follow through with what I will do if a boundary is not respected. A young person may not have the agency (or safety) to walk away from their caregiver without facing reprecussions.

Let’s face it, boundaries can be inconvenient for parents. It is much easier to parent a “yes” child than it is to parent a free-spirited one. Why? Because it requires much less emotiontional regulation as a parent (more on this topic in later blog posts).

When a young person is taught that boundaries are inconvenient to their caregivers, it can play havoc on the adult person attempting to form healthy relationships. When you try to set a boundary today, it can feel... wrong. Or worse, it can feel selfish, harsh, awkward, and even scary.

The Hard Trtuth

Without boundaries in your relationships you will tend to:

• Over-function in relationships, taking on more responsibility than you have control over

• Feel resentful, anxious, or burnt out towards the other person (eventually creating a toxic cycle)

• Say yes when you mean no, or when you don’t want to actually say yes

• Lose sight of who you are - what you want, need, or desire

With boundaries you may begin to:

• Build emotional safety with yourself and inside your relationships

• Say no without having to over-explain yourself or make excuses or even without having to lie

• Prioritize your own well-being before showing up for others

• Create space for mutual respect and trust inside your relationships

• Understand your Self with more compassion

A relationship without boundaries makes you accessible. It communicates to other people that you are able and willing to be there “whenever they need someone” and as virtuous as that sounds, no one should make themselves that accessible to another person (exceptions to people who are in the trenches of newborn parenting).

Why Boundary Setting Is So Hard

It. Is. So. Uncomfortable. to take responsibility for your own behaviours inside relationships.

If you were praised for being “easygoing,” “selfless,” or a “peacemaker,” you might equate boundary-setting with rejection. You may have internalized the belief that your worth comes from being agreeable, accommodating, or always available.

That’s not a personal flaw.
It’s social conditioning and survival wisdom from earlier chapters of your life.

You’re not failing by finding this hard — you’re unlearning.

You are not only unlearning that you do not need to overextend yourself in relationships, but you are creating new neural pathways that communicate to your nervous system that setting boundaries is a necessary form of self-care and building sustainable relationships. You are building a new foundation for your connections, one that is made up of authenticity, honesty, trust, and safety.

Story Time!

During the season of my life when I was in the depth of my codependency, I really convinced myself that I was setting boundaries. In reality, I wasn’t even making a request, I was making a statement of observation and assuming it would translate into a boundary for the other person to acknowledge. This cycle built up so much resentment. In my mind, I was clearly setting boundaries that were continuously being disrespected by this other person because they just would not change their behaviour.

When I reflect back on this pattern, it brings up a feeling of helplessness. I was handing over my power and giving another person full control over my safety and satisfaction in our relationship. Essentially, I was saying, “Hey, I’m not going to use any of my control, so you have it and use it to acknowledge what is bothering me and figure out a way to make it better. I’ll be over here observing, but don’t worry I will keep rolling my eyes or sighing every time you get it wrong.”

I feel sad for her. She had, and we all have, so much power within us to keep ourselves safe if we lean into the courage and vulnerability it takes to use it.

(I do acknolwedge there are instances that make this statement less true).

Take aways

Boundary-setting isn’t about becoming “better” at relationships.
It’s about becoming braver in how you show up for yourself.

It’s okay to fumble.
It’s okay to revisit your limits.
It’s okay to start small and let it feel messy.

This is how we unlearn self-abandonment.
This is how we reclaim our power.

I’ll let you Sit with This

When was the last time you’ve really attempted to set a boundary with someone? What was the outcome?

Feel free to share your answer in the comments - I’d love to sit with that with you.